done
Song: Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd Special Thanks to Elena for helping with some of the scanning!
I would also like to wish another special lady a happy retirement. Congratulations Marsha Nolf on your wonderful career at Manderino Library at California University of Pennsylvania.
Here is a copy of my toast/roast from the retirement luncheon held at Raspberries at the Harrisburg Hilton on Sunday May 18, 2008 at 1:00 p.m.
Chairlift & Trig – Jay’s Toast to Beth and Nancy (May 18, 2008):
February 2007
Two Trigonometry teachers, one chemistry teacher, one special education teacher and a Library Media Specialist were waiting in line to ride a chairlift up a ski mountain. Doesn’t that sound like the opening line to a corny joke? Trust me, the story you are about to hear couldn’t have been imagined by a comedian. In fact the following incident might actually make you believe in the staged action sequences of “The Bourne Ultimatum” or the coincidental special effects of “Die Hard”.
The incident began with a mathematics problem. As the five Susquehanna Township ski advisors formed a queue for a 3-seat chair lift, they had to compute the most effective way for all 5 of them to occupy the least number of chairs. I must go on record and announce that I had lagged behind on this particular ride, and I was actually standing last in the queue. Apparently, a math error had been made. Steve (the chemistry teacher) had moved up and positioned himself to catch the next chair. Obviously our group would now occupy three chairs with this poor choice of seating arrangements. Perhaps due to her age and/or a lack of a graphing calculator, the Trig teacher closest to the lift (Beth) figured out the solution way too, late. Nevertheless, Beth realized that she should ride up the lift with Steve so our group would occupy the least number of seats.
Unfortunately, although Beth had eventually calculated the first math question’s result correctly, she somehow missed the next math problem entirely. Much to my dismay, I watched in horror as Beth shuffled out of the queue and onto the throughway towards Steve. For years, Beth had been teaching Trigonometry. How had she overlooked such things as the radius of the chair, the arc length of the ski lift and the angular velocity of the chair on the lift? A simple estimation might have warned her that the linear velocity of the chair eliminated one element of the equation that Beth needed to make it to Steve’s location safely: time! Nevertheless, Beth proceeded sluggishly towards her fate with the pace and stamina of a tortoise, and from my vantage point, the world had shifted into slow motion. Beth’s waddle towards imminent impact with the chair was heart wrenching to watch. The situation was so horrifying that my spittle dried up in my throat. My attempts at screaming to Beth were thwarted as I was only able to utter a tiny shriek that sounded like a muffled bird chirp.
The chairlift attendant also realized that the elderly math teacher had made an unwise decision. His reaction was very dramatic. The young boy jumped high into the air and threw himself towards the kill switch. Physics took over. The chair’s velocity slowed but didn’t stop. Only the creases in Beth’s ski pants suggested that she was moving fast enough to avoid being pummeled by the chair as it nudged ever closer to her ass. The chair stopped millimeters away from Beth, and she never even realized that she was in danger. She sat back onto the now motionless chair and gently placed her rump onto the seat right along Steve. Her only reaction was of anger towards the operator for shutting off the lift. She couldn’t fathom why the chair was now stopped, thus slowing her ascent towards the mountain.
During the incident the Library specialist (Nancy) and the Special Education teacher (Adrienne) had shifted forward onto the throughway. I’m sure they were making Beth’s funeral arrangements in their heads and had lost track of their own safety. I was also recovering from my shock, but unlike Nancy and Adrienne, I was positioned behind the entry line to the chairlift. The young attendant released the kill switch and the lift began to move again. Something was awry. In addition to being too far into the throughway, both Nancy and Adrienne were also frozen in place. As the chairlift came back to life, I realized that the two women were now in more trouble than Beth. The next chair crawled towards the arc and began picking up speed. This time I found my voice and began uttering hysterically: “Move Back! Move Forward! Move! Move!”
I suppose that the young attendant couldn’t imagine that he would need to hit the kill switch again so soon. This time, he didn’t react in time and the lift careened into Nancy knocking her sideways into Adrienne. It reminded me of a spare attempt in bowling when the ball accurately picks off the two remaining pins on the far end of the alley. By this point, the kill button had been pushed and the chair stopped abruptly, pinning Nancy and Adrienne underneath. Unlike the last incident, I reacted with irrational laughter. I wanted to be sympathetic, but the turn of events was too much for my mind to handle. Both Nancy and Adrienne were wedged on top of each other and snugly under the lift. Before the ladies could be freed, I managed to catch a glimpse of Beth’s face as she turned around in her chair to look back at the situation that was causing a delay in her ride up the mountain. Her face was the final straw to this series of unfortunate events. She looked perturbed and miffed as if she was frustrated by the clumsy people behind her for stopping the lift. There was no look of guilt or responsibility. There was just a look of impatience interspersed with just a hint of confusion.
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I realize this was one of those “had to be there” incidents. All of you need to know that on my most stressful days or when I’m feeling under the weather or when I’m stuck in the doldrums of life, I simply take myself back to the chairlift incident and the laughter hits me and spreads like a potent virus. Every time I think about this incident, I roar hysterically and bring myself to tears.
Now that I face a future at Susquehanna Township without my two special friends, I will have to rely on this story to get me through the tough times ahead. Nancy and I have really become close especially since I became a ski club advisor. Nancy and I had our own lift incident where we became intertwined and ended up in a pit of mud (it was my fault). Nancy learned to play Spades and I’ll never forget our card games. I will miss you very much Nancy.
Beth, you are my mentor. You always helped me to organize my curriculum. You gave me many of my current teaching strategies. Well, I follow many of your teaching methodologies other than perhaps your unique style of cussing out the stupid lazy kids. You have been my buddy for nearly 20 years. I’ll never forget our trip to Philadelphia and your laughing attack at the awesome Buddakan restaurant that lasted from inside the restaurant all the way into the taxi and all the way back to our hotel. Your poor husband had to convince the cab driver that you weren’t a complete loon. I’ll never forget Summer Math Geek Camp at Shippensburg. And how can I forget the time when Anne was driving 65 mph down route 81 and you swiped at a bee in the back seat only to knock it into my pants. It stung my ass over and over again as I tried to escape my seatbelt. Anne couldn’t stop on the highway so it made for quite a scene. Patti was also in the car with us on that fateful day. Yet another car ride incident involved Patti, Michelle, Beth and I as we were stopped in traffic for hours due to a horrible crash far ahead of us. You got stir crazy due to your Type A personality and decided to take a walk. Patti and I noticed that you were sitting on a police car smoking a cigarette about a half mile further up the road near the stalled traffic. Just when we thought things couldn’t get any stranger, the car in front of us caught on fire. Patti and I tried to push it off the road and I burned my fingers. Patti ordered Michelle to watch her purse as if somebody from the burning car might steal it! Throughout this entire strange ordeal, Beth continued to sit on the police car. And I have yet one more crazy car ride from math geek camp that involved a blown tire from a truck directly in front of my vehicle. Beth was in the back seat and Patti was in the passenger seat. As the truck went out of control, Patti screamed left, right, left, right, edge your wheel, slide, twist, gas, brake, hard right, and somehow we missed piling into the out of control truck. Recall that scene from the movie “Twister” where the couple maneuvered their car to avoid tornado carnage being thrust at them. After we survived against horrible odds, Beth uttered; “That was close!” So many memories and so much fun! Beth, I talked you out of leaving one year ago, but I was unsuccessful this year. I wish you all the best and hope to be part of your life for years to come.
Love ya Beth and Nancy!
Jay
